9 subtle things that make people admire you

Being an awkward teen forced me to take a keen interest in human behaviour.

People are quick to make snap judgements, and this is something we can take advantage of to strengthen our connections.

A little extra awareness will change your life:

• Emotional control.

  • If you are quick to react with anger, you lose respect. Avoiding this is to nurture what I call 'the Gap.' Reactive people have tiny gaps, meaning they don't create any space between a triggering stimulus and their emotional response. Non-reactive people command tremendous respect because they have nurtured gaps wide enough to allow any tension in themselves to dissipate.

• Care for appearance.

  • Look around at the slovenly masses in their dirty shoes and sweat pants. Taking a little extra care for your appearance and your online presence creates a strange aura around you. Your appearance sends strong signals about how you view yourself. If you take care of yourself, others will want to take care of you.

• Holding space.

  • This is something I learned through my work as a coach. Holding space gives people room to speak their minds without cutting them off or rushing them along. Most people are too busy trying to come up with clever shit to say next. People end up sharing all kinds of personal stuff with me because I let them talk, and I allow the conversation to slow because I demonstrate my comfort in silence. If you rush, they rush, which diminishes the connection between you.

• Be obsessed.

  • 'Obsession' conjures an unhealthy image these days. But nothing remarkable was ever created without an 'unreasonable' level of focus brought to its creation. Enjoy many pursuits if you like, but find something to which you can bring relentless energy and attention. The great disease of the modern age is to run from one shiny thing to the next. Be different. Whether it's a specific language, an area of history, or even a narrow skill, like knitting beanies, elevate the object of your obsessiveness to the point you turn heads.

• Self-deprecation.

  • There's a difference between a doormat who continually complains about how terrible their life is and someone who throws in some humorous self-criticism. Sporadically putting yourself down in a funny way is highly attractive because it demonstrates the very opposite of insecurity. You are secure in yourself to the degree that you can make fun of yourself. People love this.

• Slow to reveal.

  • Most people can't wait for the opportunity to tell all about their problems and successes. They love being the centre of attention. Mysterious and thus interesting people are slow to share things about themselves, though they don't hide entirely. This isn't about being tight and guarded. You just aren't swayed by the need to show off like most are. You are busy letting them talk, which immediately raises your status and intrigue.

• Unexpected flattery.

  • Overly nice people are a dime a dozen. While most people try desperately to impress, you do it different. Your compliments are rare, unexpected, specific, and come from a genuine place. This makes you unforgettable.

• You are a 'diffuser.'

  • Conversations often get heavy and serious. An interaction is often only 'serious' because that is the frame participants have set. There are moments when seriousness is called for. But often, when you can respond to a sombre tone with a humorous one, the tension will dissipate, and people will admire you for your strength. You become a master of light.

• Break social 'norms.'

  • It takes courage to say what others are thinking but are too afraid to say. It requires tenacity to do anything most refuse to do, whether it's bringing a relentless consistency to your creative output, your fitness regime, or taking calculated risks. Most people are determined to fit in, so when you do anything that goes against the grain, people can't help but admire your 'far out' moves.